say hi to decided
i havent been back to korea for like... 6 months
i feel like everytime i dont want to face something
i just run away and my job allows me to do that
last winter was a fucking hard time for me like every winter
like every summer is hot for me
on the way from shooting to home in the metro
i cried cos even when im 20, i feel the same
i used to come home in a metro crying when i was 16 in paris too.
whats the point of this manifestation
really what is it
since when did i ever have a normal life anyway
it was so fucked up from the beginning its like as if this was the best way
it couldve been layed out anyway whats the point of being upset
people are the same anyway, just mild changes, mild different spectrums,
mild different backgrounds, people do this to each other anyway
it is not the difference between a complex intellect and a beautiful simpleton.
aknowledging it doesnt make the difference, like how people say setting awareness
makes differences. it does, but it doesnt, because action needs to follow.
so what is my action.
jump out the window?
cut ur wrist?
party ?
be decadant?
do charity work?
be a housewife?
obey?
disobey?
prove? not prove?
love ? not love?
enjoy the power?
what power?
im not interested.
pretend to be interested?
i am not entertained.
then entertain yourself
i am not entertaintment
beat yourself with work
only cry for help when you are about to die
when you are on the floor
until no one cares
until not even yourself cares.
i feel like everytime i dont want to face something
i just run away and my job allows me to do that
last winter was a fucking hard time for me like every winter
like every summer is hot for me
on the way from shooting to home in the metro
i cried cos even when im 20, i feel the same
i used to come home in a metro crying when i was 16 in paris too.
whats the point of this manifestation
really what is it
since when did i ever have a normal life anyway
it was so fucked up from the beginning its like as if this was the best way
it couldve been layed out anyway whats the point of being upset
people are the same anyway, just mild changes, mild different spectrums,
mild different backgrounds, people do this to each other anyway
it is not the difference between a complex intellect and a beautiful simpleton.
aknowledging it doesnt make the difference, like how people say setting awareness
makes differences. it does, but it doesnt, because action needs to follow.
so what is my action.
jump out the window?
cut ur wrist?
party ?
be decadant?
do charity work?
be a housewife?
obey?
disobey?
prove? not prove?
love ? not love?
enjoy the power?
what power?
im not interested.
pretend to be interested?
i am not entertained.
then entertain yourself
i am not entertaintment
beat yourself with work
only cry for help when you are about to die
when you are on the floor
until no one cares
until not even yourself cares.
15 Comments:
Love yourself
if only because that's the one person you can't avoid.
love yourself?
thats one solution....kind of popular in the west.
others would say realize your potential for compassion;
or seek to create without the control of ego
or something
dont deny yourself possibilities...
do what only you can feel is right
fight for yourself
feel with your heart and your stomach
breathe.
do something you can be proud of..
Dear Daul, i'm 22 and i feel like this all the time too. but sometimes i tell myself, perhaps to be frustrated is better than to be numb isn't it? it shows that part of you is still passionate about life to always be questioning and trying to find meaning. after all, when when we get old we'll slowly become so numb that we will be too embarrassed to cry in metros and become just accepting of things. perhaps at that point of time you'll be happy for all the craziness and all the pain and frustration and extremities of your youth because one day they will no longer be a part of you. i fear that day of complete sanity; there'll be nothing to look forward to any longer.
Between mundanity and an eventful life, which would you choose..?
I always run too...only mine is different. I run within myself, pull away, keep others at a safe distance. Never to close to hurt me.
Past pain has created a huge hidden fortress that traps me inside. I struggle to get out, to break the cycle, to open myself up to vulnerablility, to feel again.
I'm still a work in progress at 42! Learning, growing, stretching...trying to reach inner peace and happiness.
I've learned that I feel true fulfillment when I turn the focus off of myself and try to do things for others. Then and only then do I find peace and self worth.
Hang in there Daul...life is a journey.
Your honesty gives me inspiration to open up too! THANK YOU!
Just be yourself
and do the best you can do
with the pile of crap that is life
Nothing is perfect
but thats not a bad thing
since there is no point in livin, or dying either
make the best out of the live you have now i guess?
or really, die.
omg...you were hurting. you were hurting SO much.
아프면 혼자서 견디면 안되는거였어.
why didn't you share these thoughts to your closest friends?...ppl who could hold you when you felt like you were losing grasp of yourself and the world you lived in?
i can't believe you're gone...
God. I really hope you're feeling better now. :'C
everytime I read your words I become so empty.
...granted it is a momentary feeling, but it makes me feel even more empty once I realize that this is how you felt constantly, and I just have to deal with it for a moment.
RIP :(
so sorry I did not read this earlier
I only just saw you all the time with a smile, I did not see this side of you. Wish I had known, so I could have shown you , like Lisa Petrarca, that life is a journey.
And no need to put a stop to that journey
:-(
say hi to forever for me daul
i need you so much
i wish you were here
i relate to nothing
but i can understand you
?
can't explain it
i can only feel it
i've only felt things all my life
deep and sharp, cold and sometimes merciful
sometimes i feel so numb it feels ok
after a while
and then i feel
emptier than yesterday
colder than last year
and an alien to my own being.
i have no one to listen to me or even read me
i wish that you can though
even if you can't return any sign or any thought
sending a message is better than keeping it inside
i had a blog too
i wrote a lot on it but no one said anything
i deleted it out of spite and embarrassemnt
now my life is really quiet and still
and feels emptier as the minutes pass
who do i speak to? who can hear me?
i don't have anyone to reach out to
and i need someone so bad
i need someone so bad.
i need you daul
i miss you so much.
to daul
reading you since almost two years now, i check back every now and then and leave a snippet. your blog is a shrine, i hope it'll remain forever
to K.
write me
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dear Daul,
I always find myself referring back to this entry when I feel myself burning from this isolated unfulfillment. I keep wondering what you mean by choosing the action and the point in awareness...sometimes I feel like I'm in another world that understands something similar to what you feel... but nothing changes. People and life continue whether I realize anything or not, it's whether I can live with myself feeling this or not.Thank you for your blog entries...I feel so connected with your words on here...
I guess the ones like you with the most perspectives leave early from this world...reading your realizations made me cringe at how empty it must've been..same as I feel now.
RIP...I love you Daulmonster
-Cathy
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