say hi to
i wonder
whats wrong with me
sometimes
i just keep
wanting to go deeper and deeper into the world
of self destruction
like as if
i want to see myself fail completely
and disappear.
strange
its like a dive
i used to be on swim team when i was young
and i hated it so much
i wanted to drown
every time i dived
but i always end up
finishing second
sometimes first
but mostly second place
and i didnt give a fuck about it
whats wrong with me
sometimes
i just keep
wanting to go deeper and deeper into the world
of self destruction
like as if
i want to see myself fail completely
and disappear.
strange
its like a dive
i used to be on swim team when i was young
and i hated it so much
i wanted to drown
every time i dived
but i always end up
finishing second
sometimes first
but mostly second place
and i didnt give a fuck about it
9 Comments:
life is hard. xo to you.
don't let yourself drown even if the depth of the water/exploration of the feelings feels too inviting ... I don't know what drives you or if the sunlight can make you feel happiness/release/relief, but please don't give into the waves ):
success maybe not your thing. but the process of getting there.
maybe ur AB.
ive been there too, modeling in nyc with my first agency, i realized i was only doing this to make everyone else proud and happy, ignoring my own feelings because editorials and runways made them so happy with me, a mask, a facade of glorious impossible beauty and perfection, it wasnt until i started doing things my way, left my agency and took some time off to figure myself out, that i can say im happy, without worry of disappointing and making others sad because its for nothing if it makes you miserable, you only have one precious life, to live for you and your happiness and genuine spirit will rub off as it has been. You cant save anyone or make others happy if you yourself are running out of air; /
like on the flights they always tell you to put the oxygen mask on yourself first. i never really listen but that part stuck in my mind for some reason.
hugs and keeshes: )
i used to model but kept quitting because i like doing claymation with plasticine more. i quit many times to build animated cartoon characters. go figure. modeling and traveling can be a really empty experience.
i've been realizing that i've felt this way too for a while
its like im afraid to succeed so i continuously cause self inflicted torture so that something will go wrong but it wont look like i sabotaged it
idk-maybe that means we're destined for greatness
they say the best artists suffer for most of their lives
but i dont want that because happiness is a virtue worth living for, no?
xx
such is the mixed blessing of natural ability.
<3
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